author's note: not waiting for final appro

hey, I don't need your approval! I don't care what you think! how many times do we say these things? how many times do we actually say these things out loud, to the person who feels the need to speak their mind? not often enough, I say! credit to LV, who continues to encourage me to write. now THAT'S what family's for...isn't it?

Family members present: X, Sam, Poppy, Ena, Merv, Barb, LV, Oscar, Mike, Henry, Ayla, Biscuit Family members MIA: Lyn, Geoff, Lock A.K.A Lach (Ana playing photographer)

here am I, keeping this space very quiet indeed (I'm a busy, busy, busy woman) and not really alwys brave enough to continue writing with any sort of regularity about various topics without a nod of approval from those who have previously condemned this site! okay, okay, ever the drama queen; perhaps what I mean to say is that I have been reluctant to continue to make honest, objective comments about random events or ideas, for fear that I will be reprimanded by readers and asked to remove said comments and instead, I feel that I should be standing up for my rights to freedom of speech, the fifth amendment etc, etc (the fifth amendment? it's always mentioned as a last resort, isn't it? in the american courts).



sometimes it's easier-and healthier-to stay quiet for a (good) while.



my sister is right: family truths are different. relationships within the family unit are just different. there's a whole different book of guidelines for families. not that most family members around the globe have deigned to open at the preface, which includes a dedication to...the author's family, or to peruse the table of contents for those more challenging chapters on Mutual Respect, Just Listening (Without Judging), Random Acts of Kindness (Without the Strings or Expect Nothing in Return), let alone read as far as the final, which concludes Keep Your Friends Close (you never know when you may need to crash indefinately on their couch), Your Enemies Closer (as long as they too have a comfortable, classy couch) and Your Family Closest (you never know what they're up to and they'll never tell you the whole truth so make sure you see it for yourself) and the Author's Note: You Can't Pick 'Em and You Can't Lose 'Em.



Mirror Theory: family members are too, too alike to get along splendidly all of the time. just as we look in the mirror and criticise what we see because we know it so well and expect better, families look around the Christmas dinner table and see little flashes of themselves reflected in the motley, mixed mess of mirrors; ornate frames, shadow boxes, broken shards, smudges obscuring one reflection, the light smarting off another the wrong way, bubbles in one surface, black edges around another.....it's no wonder we contribute to each other's complexes! just imagine if each small reflection of ourselves, seen in someone else, was like the smiling, waving Harry Potter friends and parents, in their enchanted photos, if we only saw the good and joyous and gorgeous? just imagine if that's all we looked for. what a lovely dinner we would have!



instead, somehow we can't help but see the little niggling, annoying things. For example (now Dad, don't be overly offended; it's just an example), I visibly cringe (Sam has noticed) every time my dad exclaims, "bloody hell!" because that was the worst thing we could say when we were little and here I am, hearing my dad say it. still. I can't remember how little, but we would be fined for cursing and something like "bloody hell" would cost us $1. I don't know why this annoys me so much now. still! I certainly don't want Poppy to pick up on it and start exclaiming, "oh, bloody hell!" when she can't tie her shoelaces. but I think it's more the hypocrisy, the fact that we were told not to say it and then we would hear Dad say it.



just balancing on my soapbox for one moment longer (quite good balance, it's the yoga), I know that modelling the desired behaviour works. and it works better than any other approach. once again, the smacking issue came up this evening, to which I gave my short, standard response, it's unecessary. parents smack when they've run out of options. particularly in public. when they have no tools left to try in their little parent toolbox, they resort to smacking because by smacking they think they will regain and retain control. the power. the "parent-ness" (because after all, everyone knows that we only have children as an exercise in control and to demonstrate to other parents, our power as parents). when in fact, to have to smack a child is that point of losing control and fighting the feelings of inadequacy that come to those parents who have seen little inadequate reflections of themselves.....in other family members! ah-ha, see; you knew it would come full circle. it always does. I may get a little obscure. I may digress. I may refer to irrelevent random material and risk losing the thread (or just plain lose it, entirely). but I always, always come back to it. here it is: their own feelings of inadequacy make people generally insecure and unsure of what they believe in (or what they were brought up to/brainwashed that they ought to believe in). they fear their own answers so rather than confronting themselves and questioning their belief systems or their specific actions, they criticise those of others. if you are confident within yourself, you do not need to take on board those comments or judgements or condemnations. if you have confidence you do not need approval. you need courage to continue down that path.



oh, and if you need to step on some toes to follow that path of yours, do so with quiet confidence. and glittering, ruby red jimmy choos. and hope that your child will follow confidently in those high-heeled footsteps with grace and aplomb. and click her high heels to come home anytime because there will always be mutual respect and tolerance in your house. and no smacking. oh, and may she be admired, not criticised, by cousins, aunties, uncles and the rest. and now I rest my case.